If They Had Tech Support for Cars

It’s Friday. We all need a good laugh. Mug Clubber Chris Cree sent me this one:

General Motors doesn’t have a "help line" for people who don’t know how to drive, because people don’t buy cars like they buy computers – but imagine if they did…

Call #1

Helpline:
    "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer:
    "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
Helpline:
    "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
Customer:
    "What’s an ignition?"
Helpline:
    "It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer:
    "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"

Call #2

Helpline:
    "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer:
    "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!"
Helpline:
    "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer:
    "Huh? How do I know?"
Helpline:
    "There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F’. Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer:
    "I see an ‘E’ but no ‘F’."
Helpline:
    "You see the ‘E’ and just to the right is the ‘F’."
Customer:
    "No, just to the right of the first ‘E’ is a ‘V’."
Helpline:
    "A ‘V’?!?"
Customer:
    "Yeah, there’s a ‘C’, an ‘H’, the first ‘E’, then a ‘V’, followed by ‘R’, ‘O’, ‘L’ …"
Helpline:
    "No, no, no sir! That’s the front of the car. When you sit behind the steering wheel, that’s the panel I’m talking about."
Customer:
    "That steering wheel thingy — Is that the round thing that honks the horn?"
Helpline:
    "Yes, among other things."
Customer:
    "The needle’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that mean?"
Helpline:
    "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
Customer:
    "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

Call #3

Helpline:
    "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer:
    "Your cars suck!"
Helpline:
    "What’s wrong?"
Customer:
    "It crashed, that’s what went wrong!"
Helpline:
    "What were you doing?"
Customer:
    "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed — and now it won’t even start up!"
Helpline:
    "I’m sorry, sir, but it’s your responsibility if you misuse the product."
Customer:
    "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It said to make the car go to put the transmission in ‘D’ and press the accelerator pedal. That’s exactly what I did — now the damn thing’s crashed."
Helpline:
    "Did you read the entire operator’s manual before operating the car sir?"
Customer:
    "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual said and it didn’t work!"
Helpline:
    "Didn’t you attempt to slow down so you wouldn’t crash?"
Customer:
    "How do you do THAT?"
Helpline:
    "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It’s on page 14. The pedal next to the accelerator."
Customer:
    "Well, I don’t have all day to sit around and read this manual you know."
Helpline:
    "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer:
    "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast and won’t crash anymore!"

Call #4

Helpline:
    "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
Customer:
    "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
Helpline:
    "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer:
    "How do I work it?"
Helpline:
    "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer:
    "Do I know how to what?"
Helpline:
    "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
Customer:
    "I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

  3 comments for “If They Had Tech Support for Cars

  1. February 23, 2007 at 4:35 pm

    OK. I must be pretty simple minded because I’m laughing at this all over again. Thanks for thinking it post-worthy, Tom. Enjoy your weekend!

  2. February 23, 2007 at 4:46 pm

    Simple minded? NO! You’ve just got a healthy sense of humor!! Thanks, Chris!

  3. February 25, 2007 at 1:14 pm

    Tom and Chris, this is hilarious. Thanks for a great laugh today. I needed it!

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